Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Deconstruction Zone

Hello everyone! I'm still here. Several people have recently asked me why I stopped writing. Quite frankly, I'm shocked! I didn't think anyone still checked this site. Actually, I really wouldn't know since I took off all the little gadgets that tell me how many people come to my site. I don't care anymore! It's a nice sort of freedom, to write just for the sake of writing. An audience is nice, but it's no longer necessary for me like it was when I first started blogging. I do plan on picking up the habit of blogging again, but for different reasons, for myself mostly.

I think I stopped writing because I stopped knowing what to write about. I knew from the beginning that I never wanted to have one of those "let me tell you about what I had for lunch today" sort of blogs. I wanted purpose, some direction, even a sort of theme. Since the beginning of this blog, I've struggled to find this illusive "theme." Such is life, I've discovered.

What's the "theme" of my life (and subsequently, of this blog)? Hell if I know! At this point in my life, and maybe for the rest of my life, there are very few things I know for sure. What I know for sure is the supremacy of Love over all things, and that if God exists (and I believe with all my heart that He does), then He is Love. Love also manifests itself in the form of grace, mercy, patience, kindness, and these are the most important things in the world.

What's the direction of my life (and subsequently of this blog)? All I know for sure is that I have some sort of direction, as do we all. We're born and then we die, which in itself is direction. The little detours we take along the way and what the end destination means to us is where we all differ. Like I said, there's not a lot of things I know for sure, but I do believe that my life won't end with my death, and I believe that what I do along the way matters.

So what should I do along the way? This is where I am presently very confused. I'm stuck in a deconstruction zone. I'm deconstructing all the previous beliefs I held about what I thought I should do. I don't want to jump through the hoops anymore! My goodness, there were so many hoops. Go to church on Sunday, give 10%, act like a good helpmeet, and at the same time hide the fact that you're a woman by never ever buying clothes that accentuate any womanly features you may have, never let on that you secretly think that yes, God loves gay people too, never let anyone know that you like saying the word "shit" sometimes, only show your tattoos around people that you know are okay with them, and for crying out loud don't let ANYONE know that you're a democrat!

Is this what I have to do for God to love me? I don't think so anymore, but a lot more research needs to be done. I'm going to take the things I'm pretty sure I know for sure (God exists, God made people, God loves EVERYONE, God is Jesus, and Jesus died for people, God wants me to love other people, God wants other people to love him, God wants us to love each other, God is love, you cannot buy God's love with words or actions, I am free) and figure out the rest. I guess that is what this blog will be about. I want to blog about what freedom is. I want to blog about what love is and what love is not (I have a feeling a lot of what I experienced in American Evangelicism was not love, but some of it was), and I want to blog about who God is. I really don't know exactly because I can't even read my Bible without struggling to take off that Evangelical lens. Most of all I want to be honest, and of course I'm also going to write about living in Taiwan and my new hobby of cooking Chinese food. Ah, blessed deconstruction. It's time to start from the beginning again.

If you're along for the deconstruction ride, check out these places:

The God Journey
Abandon Image
White Washed Feminists
Under Much Grace
true womanhood in the new millennium
internet monk
adventures in mercy
Real Live Preacher


  1. Hi Cahleen,
    I'm still around too! I'm interested to see what conclusions you reach in this deconstruction. I hope you find peace with God & yourself through it. And I'd love to hear about Chinese cooking as well!! :)

  2. Welcome back and I missed you and checked up on you from time to time. Hey never be afraid to post what you feel or who you are that is real and the one thing no one can take away who the real cahleen is and what she is about.

  3. This is for you, darlin.

  4. Cahleen: We always enjoy hearing what you have to say. Keep that thinking going and that blogging! ;) See you soon!

  5. Hi, Katie:

    I love your new web site design, and I do check on your blog to see if you have posted anything new lately. Whenever I see your grandma, we talk about your blog. Your blog helps me to know you in a short amount of time. I hope we will have time to hang out when you are back to the sunny California.
    Good luck with your desconstruction effort and your new hobby of cooking Chinese food.


  6. You have no clue who I am - I found your blog via a google search.
    I have to say I love your blog - I am moving to your neck of the woods next year.
    So it's nice to see your photos, hear your stories (as opposed to something generic in a book), and read the different resources you have available on your side bar.
    Keep up the awesome work! It's inspiring!

  7. I arrived through your blog through the suggestion of Missionary blog watch and I just wanted to compliment you on the design of your blog. It is absolutely gorgeous! I wish I had the skills to do that on my blog. :)

  8. Hi Katie "the grownup lady" as grandpa might say!!! Just read ur deconstruction blog under direction of Wendy who has helped me add ur blog address to my "favorites". Very interested in ur deconstruction ideas. Personally I have never thought God so little and narrow as to exclude good people of the earth that do not follow evangelism's strict tenets. God loves us all. Love, Grandma

  9. There are only 2 blogs operated by missionaries linked to mine, and yours is the only one I get hits from. I am not a Christian in any meaningful sense, although I am in some ways a personally conservative person. Some of the things I blog about have clashed with Christian missionary activities in Taiwan, but in principle I have no issues with the spiritual content of their message.

    I can't say I am a regular reader of your blog. After reading through your last post, I had a look through a number of other pages. It wasn't what I thought the blog of a missionary would look like, and it's not like the blogs of other missionaries I have seen. To put it frankly, every other missionary blog I have looked at has been out of a sort of anthropological curiosity. I have not seen anything that would interest me or make me think this is a person I could talk to. In fact, I doubt many Taiwanese would be interested in talking with the writers of these blogs without ulterior motives. But there's something different going on here, on your blog. I think it’s a discourse about spiritual matters that could eventually appeal to intellectually people who don’t normally think about such matters. I hope you don’t give it up.

    These are confusing times for the world, and thinking deeply about them can be frustrating. I hope you're able to find a solution that is personally satisfying. I'm sure that when you do, it will be a solution that will be significant for other people.

  10. Interesting blog. Came about it through Danielle's site. The best thing in the world is to learn to think for yourself. Do not let regulations made up by men dictate your life.

  11. I just realized that I never came on here and thanked everyone for all the lovely comments for this post. I'm just getting back into blogging, and coming back and reading what you all had to say greatly encouraged me. Thank you, everyone!

  12. Beth,

    I actually have absolutely no web design skills. My blog was designed by Uptown Design Studio. There's a link for them in the bottom right corner.


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